Podshambles

From the desk of Laurence Havelock, bon viveur and inventor of several cuts of trouser

Friends, family, fans and others,

You’ll be pleased to know that Paddy and I have slightly moved ourselves from our resounding arse-sitting position and have actually bloody recorded some stuff for Podshambles, due to lap up against your ears like the shore of a gentle lake or the tongue of a randy dog in the coming weeks. To make sure you can get the whole series of updates (YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, MORE THAN ONE), make sure you subscribe on iTunes here or make sure your reader is updated with our podcast RSS feed.

So please, rest assured that we are actually bloody doing something and will have lots of stuff for you soon. Promise.

Paddy and I have both been pretty bloody busy. Well, maybe he has had more reason to, after being at the centre of a bloody news storm, even getting blogged about by Stewart ‘Comedy Vehicle’ Lee on the Guardian. In between meeting his publicist for machiattos, getting outrageous new hairstyles and publicly lambasting political parties, he’s also organising a tour of the country which you should definitely look at – if only there was somewhere you could get tickets.

As for me, well, it’s all been looking up. After my second-hand speedboat company went under – a small incident involving a family of belligerent seagulls claiming that after their aunty Josephine was caught in a particularly violent turbine engine meant that we were sued for several million pounds – I tried my hand at vaudeville dance, but was quickly found out for being far more of a rag-time kinda guy (a completely humiliating experience, I tell you).

Anyway, after the lengthy court proceedings, I eventually made my way to Bremen, with the sole intention of becoming the world’s leading kitchen and BBQ tongs entrepreneur. I met up along the way with a sardonic gannet called Henrik, a tax collector from Coventry named Beryl O’Monkeys, and my own lingering sense of self-doubt. Together, we crossed the mighty autobahns of south-western Germany, overcoming the grim wardens of many roadside service stations and protecting our sacred burden, The Galvanised Sausage-Switchers of Morrison’s, the most fantastic set of tongs we’d ever laid our eyes upon.

In the end, though Beryl O’Monkeys ended up being a sleeper agent for the wicked Lord Armpit, king of the Orang-Utans and the opposite of an all-round swell guy. After many moons of fighting, our precious Sausage-Switchers were wrenched from my possession and brave, brave Henrik fell. And died. As did my lingering sense of self-doubt.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that I’ve got a lot more time on my hands, especially if my self-basting turkey idea takes off. In the mean time, if you’re in the UK make sure you continue squeezing every last ounce of good out of this lovely weather, if you’re abroad then celebrate our good fortune with a traditional British jellied eel, and have a listen to this while you do. Good evenday!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlrXFk6RjDk

We hope you like the picture. It is of us aged about 16 when we were carefree young overambitious little ‘uns.

Here we go.

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning. A buzzard floats aggressively past the window, the distant moan of a capsizing boat ululates across the dense expanse of London, an eagle is born somewhere – and all alone in a little wooden (not wooden) house (flat) two chimps sit wrestling over the final Salt ‘n’ Vinegar chipstick. We are those chimps. Those chimps have just realised they have a small amount of free time tomorrow afternoon. They know what they must do.

Commence.

The metaphor is clearly self-explanatory but JUST IN CASE FOR THE SLOW ONES Laurie and I will be starting actual work on Podshambles Season 2 tomorrow. Actual actual work. Like hosting sites, ideas, new music, perhaps even a little warm-up recording. It’s been two months now since the built-in microphone of my laptop had to deal with us but soon that absence will come to an end. Although technically it will continue, as we have an ACTUAL MICROPHONE now. That’s damn fucking right. It’s still only one mic – we’re not ready for this dual audio stereo two-mic caper that the big dogs use. It will still basically be the two of us sat in the same place as always, but this time with a high-quality microphone (oddly shaped like a sort of…chrome…bollock) sat in between us. BOY ARE WE STOKED. We’re genuinely stoked. I haven’t got to use that word in a while but now I’m doing it and don’t you try and stop me you toadbastard you.

You’ve all been very patient, and that’s marvellous and hugely appreciated. Podshambles will be back soon, and with it will come storms and plague and naughty prophets. Or similar. Does anyone have anything in particular they would like to see in Season 2? Or something they wouldn’t like to see? Or hear, perhaps more appropriately? Or actually see, perhaps also appropriately (lolyoutubechannelcomingsoontoolol)? Or is everyone happy to basically just let us do whatever we want again? Do tweet or email us, you know all of this by now but just to reiterate it’s @podshambles on twitter, or podshambles@gmail.com. Wow I haven’t written those in a while. This is going to be seriously fucking fun.

Oh also has anyone read Among Thieves by Douglas Hulick? And if so is it good and should I read it? Sorry that’s an aside.

Here is a sequence of hastily constructed haiku to make this post have haiku in it.

Is haiku plural?
Or was that my first mistake?
I sure love haiku(s).

A penguin shits ice
Literally everywhere
Poor penguin, cold arse.

Laurie is asleep
Little does he know, I’m there
Trimming his beard.

HOw mAny DuCKS noW?!
ThaT IS FAr tOo MANY ducKS!!
throW AwAY the DucKs.

I’m ending this blog
Right here, right now, with this:
Podshambles cometh.

So as you will (or won’t) have noticed (or not noticed), I have been absent from the internet and life for at least a week. I was struck down with a terrible illness known in the medical community as ‘fucked’, which left me dilapidated and at best, awful. But hooray – I have re-emerged from my cocoon of telekinetic energy (a reference to the worst line in X-Men: The Last Stand, and possibly the worst explanation ever given for anything in the history of shit explanations) a new man. Due to the nature of that long section of parentheses, that whole ‘a new man’ bit may confuse you (as it did me), as it had literally been ages since I started that sentence. To reiterate – I have re-emerged from my cocoon of telekinetic energy (CoTE for short) a new man. I sort of did it again there, further confusing things. Basically I’m fine.

Laurie was going to do loads of Blogshambles posts whilst I was fucked in the CoTE, but he didn’t. He has a pretty good reason though, as he totally caught whatever I had because we share food and baths and long walks on the beach and the soft crunch of autumn leaves underfoot as we frolic through the avenues of our mind/London. Laurie went a bright shade of red for about seventy hours, and I became antisocial and afraid of light – a terrible combination I will assure you. I also had to cancel everything so am now very behind on existing. Which is annoying. Laurie is also mending – do not panic geese.

So what else is there. Um.

Oh! The official release/press and PR whatnot push is on Monday but I might as well tell you now that my comedy band Jonny & The Baptists have just released our new single and music video! It’s called UKIP. I will post a link imminently:

There you go. For those of you who don’t know (and why would you) Jonny & The Baptists is the thing I spend 95% of my time doing with the marvellous Jonny Donahoe. Do check it out if you haven’t already at www.jonnyandthebaptists.co.uk. Laurie gigs with us sometimes on the big-violin or smaller version of a baritone saxophone. Also we really need to Stop UKIP so…get involved.

What else what else what else…eurgh sorry I’ve become a bit slow over the past week. What I HAVE been doing is reading a lot of graphic novels, primarily Fables, From Hell, and The Unwritten. I will explain:

Fables is a phenomenally brilliant ongoing graphic novel (final issue ETA 2015 I think?) by Bill Willingham about all the fairytales and fables being forced out of their kingdoms and setting up camp in New York. It sounds odd but is just stunning, beautifully written and well worth all of the time you have.

Likewise From Hell. Ignore everything you know about Jack the Ripper or the From Hell movie because this is so much better than both of those things. Written by Alan Moore and artist Eddie Campbell, this is something really special. It’s much grittier in it’s premise and design than Fables, and the artwork totally reflects that, but it will suck you in and take over your life (until it ends – which it will because it’s just one big book and then you’re done). Buy that. Or borrow it. You can borrow mine if you live right near me and know me already and it isn’t weird.

Finally The Unwritten – by Mark Carey with art by Peter Gross. I think this really is the best of the bunch (at least so far). I don’t even want to tell you anything about it because it is so mind-blowing and so hard to explain. It’s the story of stories. I genuinely urge you to go and get a copy of it. Buy Volume 1 (5 issues, about a tenner?) and see what you think because it’s a real game-changer for me.

So yes. That is that. I’m working early tomorrow so must to bed, but here is me getting the Blogshambles back on course. Havelock will be joining us shortly and helping me make the rest of the website work because I’ve somehow made it not work as it should. Joy joy.

Big love xx